A Travellerspoint blog

November 2008

the voice within....

confronting your "inner self"

-17 °C

having nothing to do last tuesday, i've decided to watch fight club. during the first half of the film, i was thinking how edward norton convinced the filmmakers that he could be the protagonist in the movie. then i realized brad's stars werent as lustrous back then as they are now, and ed is quite a good choice for the repressed tyler durden. my friend "jude" has a fantasy of putting ed and john (cusack) together in a movie as twins. hmmm not bad since they kinda have small features. the lips are quite narrow, the facial structure etc. surprisingly they're both tall (more than 6 feet). the question is who will play the troubled one (they've played characters with dual personalities in the past). or was he referring to an "M2M" film? hahaha kidding...

going back to the movie, a segment shot in the basement (or was it a room?) interests me; where jack (initially, i thought that was his name because he kept using it) found essays written supposedly by a body part i.e. bile duct, nipples, colon. my mind started creating a list of "what ifs". like how my heart would write a story of my mostly non-existent lovelife? or how my g-spot could create an impossibly exciting narrative about my nil sexlife? or perhaps my ugly feet describing my endless local travels from divisoria to the remote confines of alapan? endless possibilities huh? one day if i get bored enough, i might create, lemme see, "the breathtaking and sensational annals of the anus" or "R.E.M.--the concert in my sleep". can't wait teehee

for now let's focus on my conspicuous conscience. and yeah, i do have one, contrary to public opinion. it doesnt pester me on a regular basis. i've been living a very boring life for the past few years. i seldom get excited (that's when i tend to do "silly things", that would make me aware i have a conscience). on the average, you could only hear me shout or shriek, at the most, thrice a year and that's when im watching a thriller/suspense. i never liked such genre, ergo: you wont hear me scream. another thing, i'm more of a phlegmatic (among the other temperaments). i rarely get angry, and if i do, i usually control it. often described "harsh" (that's when i open my big mouth without thinking) and intimidating, i learned to control my emotions, not letting my thoughts "travel" to my lips without utter consideration. most of the time i say bile words sans regret. worst, i rarely (read: close to never) apologize for it.

that's where my conscience comes in. i may not budge but deep inside i, sometimes, am guilt-stricken. not that i regret ever getting off-key or being rude. fact is, i enjoy it. i relish every second berating (they usually deserve it) whomever i hate. the only thing i feel guilty about is, after ranting, it makes me feel bad. i know im not less of a person for feeling such emotion(anger), still, it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. like i'm this mean, despicable person everyone secretly detests. for a moment, i would feel crummy, dejected, second-rate denizen. on the contrary, the absence of stoicism leaves me a lingering calm after expressing how i feel. i dunno, like the french would put it, it has a certain je ne sais quoi about it. predictably, my pride would win over the guilt. voila, i'm back to my old obnoxious self....love it!

Posted by maharot 11:27 Comments (1)

confessions of a frigid dweller

this was posted in my older blogs. i cant find the entry though so im writing it from memory. again this is a product of boredom.

-17 °C

Ilang araw ka nang di umuuwi. namimiss na kita. naaalala mo pa ba nung una mo kong nakita sa kahabaan ng avenida? akala mo ikaw ang nauna no? mali ka dun nakita na kitang nagpupunas ng pawis habang patawid kung saan ako nandun. napatitig ka pa sakin noon at napangiti. oh well, the rest is history. nung bago pa lang tayong nagsasama, naappreciate ko ung small gestures like magiiwan ka ng small notes and reminders, tapos you see to it that you check kung ok lang ba sina nanay at tatay sa probinsya.regular ka pa ding nagpapadala ng pang tuition at allowance ni jenny kasi nagpromise ka na ikaw na ang magpapaaral sa kanya. ulirang anak awardee ang chika mo nun. magaling ka ding magluto, malinis ka sa bahay at higit sa lahat, ikaw ang naglalaba. how sweet. ako naman sitting pretty lang lagi. ok naman tayo sa ganun. wala naman tayong pinagaawayan kasi di naman ako mahigpit. kuntento nako sa pagiging maybahay. pinapayagan pa nga kitang magsama ng mga officemates mo at sa bahay na lang maginom. tutal you always clean up after ng inuman. wala akong mahihiling pa. im so blessed to have you.

magiisang taon na din ang nakalipas. madami na din tayong pinagdaanan, and yet you stood by me and vice versa. there were days na parang ang saya2 natin. naghu-hum ka pa minsan habang nagluluto. kahit tambak ang labada, go ka pa din. lagi ka pang bumibili ng dvd tapos papanoorin natin hanggang makatulog ka na sa sala.

sa paglipas ng araw, unti-unti ka nang nagbago. parang laging mainit ang ulo mo pag darating ka from the office.minsan ayaw mo ng kumain at diretso ka na din sa room. di ka na nagiiwan ng small notes like you used to. napilitan tuloy si nanay na lumuwas para mangamusta kasi di mo na din sila tinatawagan. nang dumating sha, halos ayaw mo din shang kausapin. ngayon dalawa na kaming nagaalala sa yo. di ko man masabi, ang bigat2 dalhin pag nakikita kitang ganyan. ayaw mo naman akong kausapin. nung linggong yun, narining ko kayong naguusap ng nanay. di nyo ko napansin kasi nasa sulok ako. all the while na akala ko okay tayo, may nakilala ka na palang iba. officemate mo galing sa pasig branch. matagal na pala kayong may relasyon hanggang bigla ka na lang niya iniwasan ng walang dahilan. di ko alam kung ano mafifeel ko nun. parang nagdilim bigla ang paningin ko at unti unti akong nasuffocate. uminit ang paligid hanggang nawalan na lang ako ng malay.

paggising ko, di ko alam kung nasaan ako. natakot ako. hanggang narining ko na ang boses mo pero di kita makita. may kausap kang lalaki na di ko din mabosesan.

"sorry mr. soriano, wala ng pag-asa. di na natin sha masasave" sabi ng lalaki.

oh my God, am i dying? parang umikot ang paningin ko nun, tapos nagflashback lahat ng happy memories natin. nung binuhat mo ko nung araw na nagkita tayo, pag off mo tapos papaliguan mo ko. lagi kang may pasalubong na food sakin kahit di naman ako buntis. pano na yun? di ko ata kayang mawala ka.

"sir baka naman may magagawa pa" pagmamakaawa mo pa. " di ko kaya, gipit pa naman ngayon"

"wala talaga e. sira na ang freon nito. kailangan na talaga palitan to. luma na pati kaha" sabi pa ng kausap mo.

"gipit na kasi sir e, sa surplus ko lang nabili yan" naghugas ka pa ng kamay lintek ka.

matapos mo akong gamitin, laspagin ng buong taon, basta mo na lang akong ipagpapalit sa iba. wala kang utang na loob huhuhu

"ganun ba? e di bilhin ko na lang, di na to papakinabangan e. sayang lang kung bibili ka pa ng freon. luma na din naman"

mamintas???kala mo kung sino. i bet mukha kang mekaniko!

"sige ho bibili na lang siguro ako ng bagong ref.salamat"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Posted by maharot 12:46 Comments (0)

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