drivin' myself insane

they say "an idle mind is the devil's workshop"
how i wish the devil would find work elsewhere. whenever im left alone or not busy chatting, i would automatically go into a pensive mode. in all the years i fell and failed in love, this is the only time i got scared. im afraid to get hurt, that's a known fact, but not afraid to fall and wait for the right time the person will fall for me. i can be very patient, y'know.but this time, even the thought of it makes me paranoid. i always tell people that it's better to be honest and tell the person how you feel and fail in the process than not even trying. yet i cant practice what i preach. i need to be sure first if i really like him, because if it's just lust, i wont tell him anymore.kasi la din naman akong gagawin. bihira naman ako topakin na makipagmake-out. kung meron man, old flames lang o once, parang nadugo2 gang lang ako hahaha. yung di sadya pero di ko alam kung bakit may naganap na milagro, in the first place.
haaay. parang laging may slide show sa utak ko of the "aaaaw" moments that we have. worst, it would be manifested in my dreams. like one time i woke up crying coz in my dreams he was telling me how he really felt all these years. i just cried, as in hagulhol. and was asking him if he doesnt want to be friends anymore. kasi feeling ko, i wont be special anymore. na he would start lying to me about his escapades to avoid fights (which is normal kung magdyowa na kayo). alangan namang ok lang na may mga fubu sha na iba while kami da bah?kamusta naman yun? in fairness to him, kaya naman niyang maging faithful. ang tanong: hanggang kailan yun considering we wont be having sex (well, ideally, matatagalan kasi dapat comfy na ko na makita shang walang saplot and vice versa plus the "pain" factor na more of fear talaga).aaaargh i hate this feeling.
ewan ko pa kung talagang gusto ko sha kasi di ko talaga maimagine na bf/gf relationship ang meron kami. parang gusto ko lang cuddling (with clothes) o kulitan lang like we always do. masaya sana kung sha nga ang magiging sperm donor ko. imagine the family day we would be having. baka mas makulit pa kami sa bata. o mga sportsfest involving parents. o di ba ang cute? ayan kung ano2 na naman ang naiisip ko. tingin ko kailangan ko na magsimba. hmmm perhaps that's what ill do later. it works for me e.