psychological projection

have you ever wanted something or someone so badly, you cant take your mind off it/him/her? silly question, i know. everyone, at one point or another has gone thru this phase.can't sleep, cant concentrate, cant even think right. one time, i was on my way to the beach with some friends and i remembered about a car we (my friend and i) once talked about. it was his ex's dreamcar.and i couldn't remember it. i kept still for a few minutes, trying to remember it. not that it was important. i was just bothered that i've forgotten it.so i kept on nudging step to give me a list of cars that were out in the market in the early 90s. i was insisting it was a toyota model.after half an hour of guessing, i figured it wasn't a toyota but a mitsubishi. so step, being very patient thought of mitsubishu models (we even got to the L-type lancer hehehe). i was so sure the model name starts with an A or an E. to make the long story short, it was a nissan model, a Cefiro (A or E pala ha), that kept us busy for a good 60 minutes. heniways, what im trying to point at is the frustration you get when you're in that situation, and that was an easy example. now imagine pining for someone you can never have. like your mother, father or any immediate family member. i know it's a bad analogy, but no, i'm not into incestuous relationships, i just have sick way of comparing things. goin back, i'm having episodes again, not very depressing though but disturbing. normally, it would take a while before i get attracted to someone. but then i started to notice i'm becoming very fond of this person, let's call him "kodiak", he looks like one hahaha.nonetheless, i find him "diverting". yeah he takes my mind off things coz he occupies my thoughts (patay tayo jan!) all the time. ok, that was an exaggeration. but whenever i run out of ideas to think about, he always pops in my mind. or maybe i wanna think about him. that warms my heart, despite the fact that he may never be mine.not now, not ever. i believe in miracles but i dont think i want to have him. maybe im just absorbed by the idea of having someone like him (or someone who possesses traits that i like about him). it may even be a result of prolonged "non-existent lovelife". and maybe, no make that definitely, a part of me yearns to be in love again, with someone who loves me in return. i'm tired of treading a one-way street which could probably be a dead -end. i want to take new challenges but then again, a part of me is afraid to venture into a web of uncertainties. as i always say, pain is inevitable, but subjecting yourself to clear and present danger is another story...