the voice within....

having nothing to do last tuesday, i've decided to watch fight club. during the first half of the film, i was thinking how edward norton convinced the filmmakers that he could be the protagonist in the movie. then i realized brad's stars werent as lustrous back then as they are now, and ed is quite a good choice for the repressed tyler durden. my friend "jude" has a fantasy of putting ed and john (cusack) together in a movie as twins. hmmm not bad since they kinda have small features. the lips are quite narrow, the facial structure etc. surprisingly they're both tall (more than 6 feet). the question is who will play the troubled one (they've played characters with dual personalities in the past). or was he referring to an "M2M" film? hahaha kidding...

going back to the movie, a segment shot in the basement (or was it a room?) interests me; where jack (initially, i thought that was his name because he kept using it) found essays written supposedly by a body part i.e. bile duct, nipples, colon. my mind started creating a list of "what ifs". like how my heart would write a story of my mostly non-existent lovelife? or how my g-spot could create an impossibly exciting narrative about my nil sexlife? or perhaps my ugly feet describing my endless local travels from divisoria to the remote confines of alapan? endless possibilities huh? one day if i get bored enough, i might create, lemme see, "the breathtaking and sensational annals of the anus" or "R.E.M.--the concert in my sleep". can't wait teehee

for now let's focus on my conspicuous conscience. and yeah, i do have one, contrary to public opinion. it doesnt pester me on a regular basis. i've been living a very boring life for the past few years. i seldom get excited (that's when i tend to do "silly things", that would make me aware i have a conscience). on the average, you could only hear me shout or shriek, at the most, thrice a year and that's when im watching a thriller/suspense. i never liked such genre, ergo: you wont hear me scream. another thing, i'm more of a phlegmatic (among the other temperaments). i rarely get angry, and if i do, i usually control it. often described "harsh" (that's when i open my big mouth without thinking) and intimidating, i learned to control my emotions, not letting my thoughts "travel" to my lips without utter consideration. most of the time i say bile words sans regret. worst, i rarely (read: close to never) apologize for it.

that's where my conscience comes in. i may not budge but deep inside i, sometimes, am guilt-stricken. not that i regret ever getting off-key or being rude. fact is, i enjoy it. i relish every second berating (they usually deserve it) whomever i hate. the only thing i feel guilty about is, after ranting, it makes me feel bad. i know im not less of a person for feeling such emotion(anger), still, it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. like i'm this mean, despicable person everyone secretly detests. for a moment, i would feel crummy, dejected, second-rate denizen. on the contrary, the absence of stoicism leaves me a lingering calm after expressing how i feel. i dunno, like the french would put it, it has a certain je ne sais quoi about it. predictably, my pride would win over the guilt. voila, i'm back to my old obnoxious self....love it!